Deciding to have a baby is often a momentous decision. While you can just hop under the sheets with your partner and begin trying at any time, the whole process is usually much more complicated than it seems.
Getting pregnant isn’t always easy. In fact, even at the peak of your fertility you only have about a 20 percent chance of conceiving each month. No doubt, this puts pressure on the baby-making process and can turn a seemingly fun and hopeful experience into one fraught with stress and feelings of guilt or blame.
If you have been trying for a while to conceive, you may grow impatient and disillusioned. Sadness and helplessness may play out in the form of arguments, irritability, dissatisfaction, or resentment. So, it is not uncommon to witness fights with your partner or spouse when trying to get pregnant.
The first step in your parenting journey is the decision to start a family, but it’s common to discover that not all partners are on the same page about the timing of their decision. Women are often burdened by the ticking of their biological clock, while men usually want to spend a little more time enjoying life as a couple.
Such disconnect can often be a game-changer in many relationships. That’s why it’s best to have a conversation around the issue well before you start trying, and perhaps even before you become serious as a couple. If your goals are aligned, success is more likely, and even if not aligned, you can work things out together.
After the decision to start trying to conceive, the next issue is when to start. Even if you are both open to having a family one day, your timelines might not match up. You might be in an ideal work scenario for starting a family, while your spouse is just starting a new job that requires all of his time, energy, and resources.
As a woman, you are often the one in the more difficult position, as you’re also faced with the concept of your biological clock. As a woman, your fertility begins to decline in your early 30s and speeds up dramatically after 35. This pressure can sometimes cause fights over a lack of understanding on the man’s part.
It is important to get good communication on board and discuss the expectations of each party involved, what your individual role in the process might be and what time constraints you’re facing.
You may not realize how small the window of conception is until you’re actively trying to conceive. Conception is only possible from about five days before ovulation—which occurs around two weeks after your last period, though this can vary from woman to woman—through to the day of ovulation. That gives you maybe six days where conception is possible—and you still have just a 10-20 percent chance during this window.
As a woman, your biological calendar is not necessarily in sync with your business or professional commitments which you may need to put on hold in order to maximize your chances of conceiving each month.
The lack of intimacy in your relationship is another challenge. When sex becomes only a necessary step to baby-making—it’s not the sexiest thing. If this happens, it is critical to bring intimacy back into the relationship. Try not to limit all that you are as a couple to conception. Continue to do all the things you love to do and don’t revolve your lives around ovulation.
Conception is a highly personal experience for a couple, so it is important to respect the boundaries of the other person in the relationship. The decision to see a specialist or begin fertility treatment could become a point of disagreement if care is not taken.
You may feel a varied sense of pressure to conceive and, therefore, have opposing views of when to seek outside medical assistance. You need to understand that seeking help from a specialist does not necessarily mean you will need help throughout the process of conception.
If an issue is identified, you would have identified it in a timely manner and will not be wasting months more frustration in fighting a futile battle to conceive. In addition, laying blame on one partner after several months of trying to conceive with no success is not the way to go. While feelings of failure and inadequacy can follow, never forget that it takes two to tango. It is impossible to make a baby without the egg and sperm, so no matter the issue; you are both inherently involved in the process. Avoiding guilt and blame tagging, support each other throughout the potentially tough time to make success easier to achieve and even sweeter to enjoy.
Depending on how difficult it was for you to get pregnant the first time, you might consider having fewer or more children than you had originally discussed with your partner. This can be a serious point of contention if you don’t see eye to eye. If one partner feels strongly about having only one child, but the other wants to fulfill his or her lifelong dream of having three or more, serious tensions may arise. The best thing to do is communicate and see how you feel as time and life move forward.
